The mother said, «What have I been telling you the past couple days?! They're just doing that to see your panties!»
The little girl replied still smiling widely, «I know! I know! But this time I tricked them! I didn't wear any!»
Words and Expressions:
blonde блондинка
to offer предлагать
to climb забираться
schoolyard школьный двор
flagpole флагшток
panties трусики
widely широко
to trick обманывать
jelly beans сорт конфет
without haste без спешки
Section 39Grandpa and granddaughter
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, «Did God make you, Grandpa?»
«Yes, God made me,» the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, «Did God make me too?»
«Yes, He did,» the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. «You know, Grandpa,» she said, «God's doing a lot better job lately.»
Words and Expressions:
God Бог
reflection отражение
lately последнее время
Section 40Gift from god
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
"Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00."
Words and Expressions:
to request просить, требовать
postal почтовый
authorities власти
to receive получать
President президент
to touch трогать (тж. перен.)
to amuse забавлять
to instruct инструктировать, делать распоряжения
however тем не менее, вместе с тем
Washington D.C. адрес почтового округа «Вашингтон, округ Колумбия»
bastard ублюдок
to deductфин. вычитать
to want sth badly сильно хотеть чего-л.
to appear to be казаться
to be delighted быть обрадованным
a thank you noteразг. письмо с благодарностью
for some reason по той или иной причине
as usualразг. как обычно
Section 41Learning to swear
A seven-year-old and his four-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them learn to swear. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the seven-year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass' ". The four-year-old happily agrees.
As the boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The seven-year-old replies, «Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some cornflakes.»
WHACK!
The seven-year-old runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,
«And what would YOU like for breakfast?»
«I don't know!» the four-year-old blubbers. «But you can bet your ass it's not gonna be cornflakes!»
Words and Expressions:
to swear ругаться
enthusiastically с энтузиазмом
hell ад; черт!
cornflakes кукурузные хлопья
WHACK! Бац!
to bawl громко вопить
to rub потирать
behindразг. зад
to blubber реветь
to bet биться об заклад, ставить на кон
Section 42Career day at school
It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parents would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says," My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook."
«Good Rodney,» says the teacher. «How about you, Johnny?»
Johnny stands up and stammers, "My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no … L-E-C-H-
no… "
The teacher interrupts, «Never mind, Johnny, sit down. How about you, Vinnie?»
Vinnie stands up and says, «My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Johnny's ever gonna spell electrician!»
Words and Expressions:
career карьера, профессия
to state утверждать, заявлять
occupation род занятий
to spell произносить по буквам
accountant бухгалтер
to balanceфин. сводить счеты, выводить баланс
checkbook чековая книжка
to stammer заикаться, лепетать
electrician электрик
bookieразг.bookmaker букмейкер
odds разница, преимущество
he'd give you ten to one odds он даст вам десять против одного
Section 43Better grades
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking… "
Words and Expressions:
to tap похлопать (по плечу)
shoulder плечо
to scare пугать
grade оценка, отметка
to spank шлепать
to get a spanking получить нахлобучку, шлепки
Section 44Circumcised
Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, «Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!»
«Well, I've been circumcised,» answered the other one. «Huh, what's that mean?» asked the first boy. «It means they cut the skin off the end,» said the second one. The first boy was very puzzled, «How old were you when it was cut off?»
The second boy replied, «My Mom said I was only two days old.»
«Wow, did it hurt?» the first boy wondered. The second boy responded without hesitation, «You bet it hurt… I couldn't walk for a year!»
Words and Expressions:
to circumciseмед. обрезать
potty сленг туалет, обычно детский
to peeразг. писать
skin кожа
hurt болеть, ранить, причинять боль
You bet it hurt… Бьюсь об заклад, болело…
Section 45Of little johnny
I.Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
II.Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I'm little Johnny.
III.Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.
IV.Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
V.Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.
VI.Little Johnny: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
VII.Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Little Johnny: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father.
Words and Expressions:
Johnny американский аналог русского Вовочки
to behave вести себя
to punish наказывать
since так как
to chew жевать
gum резина, каучук, резинка
chewing gum жевательная резинка
stupid глупый
to deserve заслуживать
zero ноль; низшая оценка
mark оценка, отметка
arithmetic арифметика
to break a promise нарушать обещание
to keep a promise сдержать обещание
Section 46Naming the baby
The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. «I've made up my mind,» she declared firmly, «we'll call her Penelope.» The husband didn't like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it.
«That's a lovely name, dear,» he said. «The first girl I ever went out with was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.»
«I think we'll call her Mary, after my mother,» said the wife.