Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.
He said, «Honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you.»
«What do you mean?» asked his wife.
«Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,… I think I got'em all back in!!!»
Words and Expressions:
friction трение, трения
to fartгруб. испускать ветры
nearly почти
to awake просыпаться
smell запах
to waterзд. слезиться
to choke задыхаться
to plead умолять
nasty ужасный, скверный, гадкий
to beg просить, умолять
natural естественный
bodily телесный
fumes запахи, испарения
guts кишки
to suffer страдать
warning предупреждение
dawn рассвет
feast пир, праздничное пиршество
pumpkin pie тыквенный пирог
mashed potatoes картофельное пюре
gravy грейви, подливка
innards внутренности
to occur приходить в голову, случаться
to solve решать (проблему, задачу)
devilish дьявольский
grin усмешка, гримаса
bowl миска
flatulentмед. страдающий от газов
soundly asleep крепко спящий
gently мягко, нежно
shorts трусы, шорты
underwear нижнее белье
to replace перекладывать
trumpetмуз. труба, горн
trumpeting трубящий
to curdle сворачиваться (о крови)
scream вопль
frantic яростный
footsteps шаги
to roll кататься
to stain покрывать пятнами
horror ужас
lip губа
grace грация; зд. милость
to break wind испускать ветры
I can't help it Я ничего не могу с этим поделать
to wave sth away отмахиваться от чего-л., отгонять что-л.
bloodcurdling scream вопль, от которого стынет кровь
to tear up (о глазах) наливаться слезами
she had finally gotten even от get even свести счеты
to keep from sth удерживаться от чего-л.
by the grace of God and these two fingers… по милости Божьей и благодаря этим двум пальцам…
I got'em back in = I got them… я засунул их назад
Section 54The costume party
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed.
She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new «action».
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, «Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.»
Then she asked, «Did you dance much?»
He replied, «I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you … the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!»
Words and Expressions:
costume костюм; костюмированный (о вечеринке, бале)
party вечеринка
swankyсленг элегантный, шикарный
to mask надевать маску
Halloween Хэллоуин
devoted преданный (о мужьях и женах)
to protest протестовать
to argue спорить
aspirin аспирин
to miss пропускать, лишаться чего-л.
fun удовольствие, развлечение
pain боль
hubbyсленг муженек
to spot выслеживать
to cavort прыгать, скакать
chickсленг девушка, девица
to сорсленг взять или украсть что-л.
a feelсленг прикосновение (обычно – к лицу противоположного пола)
to sidle подходить, ходить бочком
seductive соблазнительная
babeсленг крошка
to devote посвящать
"action" зд. дельце
to whisper шептать
proposition предложение
to unmask снять маску
notorious пользующийся дурной славой, заслуживающий осуждения
behavior поведение
den притон, вертеп; зд. комната для игры
poker покер
to loan одолжить
no need for sth нет нужды в чем-л.
to have some kicksсленг получить удовольствие, кайф
to cop a feelсленг прижить, украдкой прикоснуться
high and dryсленг брошенный, оставленный
so off they went и они отправились прочь
to have a little bangсленг слегка поразвлечься
sure had one helluva time = surely had a hell of a time наверняка чертовски хорошо провел время
Section 55Pat the irishman
There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching in the St. Patrick's Day parade.
Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, «Who are you?» and Pat replied, «My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade.»
St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat, «Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play „When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.“ You've earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.»
Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play «When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.» He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he's driving down the main expressway in heaven with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up to St. Peter.
He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song «When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.»
St. Peter, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says, «Pat, shush! He's the boss's son!»
Words and Expressions:
parade парад
heaven рай, небеса
harp арфа
to push нажимать, толкать
button кнопка
to earn зарабатывать
to punch бить кулаком
expressway скоростная дорога, проспект
pink розовый
two-tone двухцветный
to roar реветь, рычать, грохотать
organмуз. орган
celestial небесный
complexion цвет лица
U-turn поворот на 180 градусов
to charge backразг. рвануть назад
to stalk up подходить с гордым видом
tiny