маленький
insignificant незначительный
huge огромный
to head out into двигаться к чему-л.
to play full blastсленг играть во всю мочь
Shush! Тихо!
Section 56St. patrick's day engagement
An Irishman, by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
«It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day,» he smiled. «I gave you a sham rock.»
Words and Expressions:
engagement помолвка
to propose делать предложение
ring кольцо
synthetic синтетический
diamond алмаз
lassразг. девушка, возлюбленная
jeweler ювелир
vehement неистовый, пылкий
in honor в честь
sham поддельный
rock камень
shamrock трилистник (национальная эмблема Ирландии)
Section 57At the post office
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?' "
«But why?» asks the curious fellow.
«I'm a divorce lawyer,» the gentleman replies.
Words and Expressions:
bald лысый
balding лысеющий
counter прилавок, стойка
methodically методично
to placeзд. наклеивать
stamp марка
envelope конверт
heart сердце
perfume духи
to spray разбрызгивать
scent духи
to sign подписывать
lawyer адвокат
his curiosity getting the better of him любопытство берет в нем верх
Guess who? Догадайся, от кого это?
Section 58A letter of apology
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a «dirty son of a bitch» to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year's Eve Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you that evening. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your bra up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you, I know that I am forgiven. Even though I no longer work there, I will do my best to come to the picnic next Friday.
Words and Expressions:
apology извинение
beloved любимый
to be aware осознавать
baboon павиан, бабуин
whore проститутка, шлюха
strictly строго; в строгом смысле
figment фикция, вымысел
imagination воображение
undoubtedly без сомнения
water cooler аппарат для охлаждения воды
incident происшествие, случай
jug кувшин, сосуд
regrets сожаления
defense защита
to remind напоминать
escapade эскапада, проделка
stairway лестница
bannister перила
landing лестничная площадка
rupture перелом
to incur получать (ранение)
to land приземляться
to admit признавать
cussсленг тупой малый
to forgive прощать
goose yсленг дурак
story этаж
to regret сожалеть (о чем-л.)
fireman пожарник
false alarm ложная тревога
fire hoses пожарные шланги
pressure давление
broom closet хозяйственное помещение (чулан для швабр)
to startle пугать
to bump ударять(ся)
chin подбородок
dentist дантист
plates вставные челюсти
excuse извинение
to embarrass ошеломлять, ставить в неловкое положение
braразг. бюстгальтер
flagpole флагшток
to urinateмед. мочиться
to apologize извиняться
son of a bitch сукин сын
deaf and dumb глухонемой
in spite of несмотря на
to break a fallразг. прерывать падение
it makes me sick (при мысли об этом) меня тошнит, мне плохо
to pass outсленг вырубаться
bad taste дурной вкус
Section 59New year's eve at the pub
One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Words and Expressions:
the stroke of midnight момент наступления полуночи
kind ofразг. типа
to crush to death задавить насмерть
Section 60New year's eve at the pub – 2
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
«Why of course?» comes the reply.
The first man then asks, «Where are you from?»
«I'm from Ireland,» replies the second man.
The first man responds, «You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.»
«Of course,» replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, «Where in Ireland are you from?»
«Dublin,» comes the reply.
«I can't believe it,» says the first man. «I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.»
«Of course,» replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, «What school did you go to?»
«Saint Mary's,» replies the second man. «I graduated in '62.»
«This is unbelievable!» the first man says. «I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!»
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
«What's been going on?» he asks the bartender. «Nothing much,» replies the bartender. «The O'Malley twins are drunk again.»
Words and Expressions:
to stumble up подходить, спотыкаясь
patron постоянный посетитель
to graduate заканчивать школу
regular постоянный посетитель
Why of course? А почему бы и нет?
You don't say! Не может быть!
another round to Ireland еще один раз (стаканчик) за Ирландию
What's been going on? Что происходит?
Section 61The work crew
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched while a man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. Then another man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.